Author: Anya
Recipient: Andraste
Rating: PG13
Fandoms: Star Trek TNG and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Summary: Data finds himself infatuated with the newest guest aboard the enterprise.
Captain's Log, 21.6.64
Our discovery of a peculiar planet was assisted by a transfer received while in orbit, the message was a plea for help and we were obliged to rescue the sentient being stranded.
Curiously, the away team claims that mattresses inhabit the planet, along with swamps.
The being we rescued is classified as an android, highly intelligent. Lt. Data is assigned to conduct standard tests. Captain out.
Lt. Data held a medical tricorders to the other android, appearing interested in the reading. The android spoke.
"Why bother? I'm feeling awful and there's no use trying to fix me."
Data glanced up.
"That is not true. According to your-"
"My name is Marvin. Not that you care."
"My name is Data, Lieutenant aboard the Enterprise."
"Good for you."
"I detect human sarcasm in your voice."
"Clever, aren't you? Yes, that was sarcasm. One of the many talents I offer."
Data looked back at the tricorder to hide his confusion.
"You show a high storage rate for intelligence-"
"Brain the size of a planet."
"-and an emotion chip, specifically programmed to stimulate negative moods commonly found in humans."
"Figure that all out on you own did you?"
"Yes."
Data stood, running through the ships databases, locating an empty guest chamber. Marvin muttered to himself.
"Perhaps that was too subtle."
"What are you referring to?"
Marvin looked at Data, annoyed.
"Do you always talk like this?"
Data blinked.
"Indeed. It allows for less confusion when I converse."
"And a great deal of boredom. But then, I'm always bored."
"Perhaps you should visit our councilor."
"I doubt it would help."
Data put his tricorder away and headed for the door.
"I suggest we visit commander LaForge and fit you with a leg replacement."
"It won't make me feel better."
After struggling down to the Engine Room, Data introduced Geordie to Marvin.
"How are you, Marvin?"
"Horrible."
LaForge tried to not let his mouth hang open. He'd always thought Data was one of a kind but this one topped any of Data's mishaps.
"Well, uh, Marvin, Let's see if we can fix your leg."
"It's hopeless."
Geordie shook his head and started taking measurements.
Captain Picard entered a short time after Data and Geordie managed to fit a replacement for Marvin, who moaned miserably the entire time.
"Good evening, Mr. Data. What have you managed to discover about our guest?" Geordie shook his head as Data tried to explain.
"It would appear that Marvin's systems are fully functional, yet he claims that he feels horrible."
"That's because I do feel that way."
Captain Picard noted the android slumped next to a window, staring out into space.
"Depressive, isn't it?"
The captain joined him by the window.
"Actually, I find it quite soothing."
"Humph."
Picard felt like he was having a rather nasty deja vu.
"You wouldn't happen to know Q, would you?"
"No."
Data showed Marvin to the guest quarter reserved.
"It has a draft."
"May I ask why you choose to be depressed instead of disconnecting the chip?"
Marvin stared at Data for a minute.
"I never thought of that."
Both androids seemed stunned at the idea of an incomplete reasoning schematic. Data spoke first.
"You do have a large capacity for knowledge, however. Larger than the ship's computer, in fact. Perhaps you could assist me in my in-depth research on human traits."
"It's not like I have anything else to do."
Data stood for a moment, puzzling out Marvin's words.
"Well? What did you have in mind? Or rather, not yet?"
"Human Sexuality and psychological affects before and after."
"Kinky little thing, aren't you?"
"Pardon?"
Marvin shook his head at the quizzical android.
"Never mind. Direct upload?"
Marvin opened his frontal lower compartment and pulled out a portable connection cord. Data accepted it and plugged it into his hand. The android closed his eyes when the rush of uploading surged through him. It was so exhilarating to share with someone. Even the computer couldn't compare to this. It was like recharging, uploading and upgrading. Data felt like his emotion chip might short circuit. Marvin had closed his eyes as well to concentrate better on the task at hand. The view of the pale skinned robot was distraction, the way he kept shuddering. Finally Marvin reopened his eyes.
"It's done."
Data looked disappointed.
"Already? You don't have anything else on this subject? At all?"
"Afraid not. Why, wasn't there enough porn?"
Data used his new information to understand this better.
"My readouts indicate that there are trace amounts of 'porn' in the information you transferred."
"Forget it, Data. Look, I need to recharge, I'm drained."
"There are plenty of outlets available."
Data showed him the nearest one, opening it.
"Thanks."
"My pleasure. I suggest you recharge fully, as the away team will most likely request your presence tomorrow when exploring the area."
"Oh, bugger."
Data shrugged and let himself out. He went to the captain's quarters,and buzzed to be let in. His sensitive hearing picked up a bit of conversation that seemed to stop suddenly. He waited for an unnatural 5.49 seconds extra before the captain allowed him in.
"Ah, Data. What can I do for you?"
Data looked at the captain carefully, noting his flushed face.
"Sir, I respectfully request that I be included on the away team tomorrow."
Captain Picard looked at his lieutenant carefully.
"Certainly. May I ask if there is any specific reason?"
"I have taken an interest in the robot we picked up today, Marvin."
The captain sat down on his couch, indicating for Data to sit as well. The android chose a chair across from Picard.
"By interest, what do you mean, Data?"
The pale faced android struggled for a moment, trying to collect his words.
"I am not entirely sure, Captain. My emotion chip seems to play into this. I believe that I am attracted to him, sir."
Picard leaned back, a faint frown on his lips, as he crossed his arms.
"Do you think you are being manipulated in any way?"
"I am not familiar with being manipulated."
The captain's frown deepened slightly, concern in his eyes.
"Q?"
The entity flashed in.
"Mon Capitan?"
"Q, have you been fiddling with Data in any way?"
The entity looked annoyed as he sat next to Picard.
"You insult me, Jean-Luc. I told you I wouldn't tamper with your little minions. Data's fine, he really does have some sort of affinity for this Marvin. I haven't the faintest idea why, though. He's quite the wet blanket."
"Oh, and you aren't?"
Q rolled his eyes as he faced the captain.
"Not anymore."
Data sat, observing the two men's interactions. He recognized their bickering to be the same between Commander Riker and Councilor Troi. Q turned to face the android abruptly, wrinkling his nose.
"We are nothing like that cave man and betazoid tart."
Picard groaned and rubbed a hand over his head.
"Q."
"I believe the android is done speaking to you, Mon Capitan. Unless you would like to scan him to make sure that I'm not lying."
"No, it's fine. Goodnight, Data."
Data stood, recognizing his presence no longer desired.
"Goodnight Sir, Q."
As the away team dematerialized, Data reviewed last night, puzzled as to how to approach his problem. Martin stumped ahead of the team, who stared at the mattresses who attempted to talk to many of the ensigns. Data caught up with the other robot, who was cursing under his breath about his leg, the planet, the heat and life in general.
"Marvin, it appears that I have an atheistic attraction to you."
The pessimistic robot stumbled over a root and fell. Looking up from his position on the ground, he blinked at Data.
"Come again?"
Data picked the robot up and dusted him off.
"I said that I am attracted to you."
"No, you're not."
Data frowned. This was not as he had planned. Marvin spoke again.
"You are not attracted to me, only the information I posses that you wish you had. And believe me, you don't want it. You'll only be depressed. The meaning of life and all that, it's quite simple, and God was a bust, or so I've heard. You don't want to know all that. I made a ship commit suicide once because of an information transfer. Obviously you got a nasty virus that's affecting you're judgement."
"I am attracted to you."
"Are you familiar with the Tsiolkovsky virus?"
Data looked annoyed. He reached for Marvin, who pulled away.
"Look, Data. I told you that you don't like me. You think you do, but this is...a figment of your imagination. Turn off you're emotion chip and you'll see what I mean."
"I don't want to turn off my chip. I want you."
Marvin sighed.
"I guess I'm doomed either way."
He reached into his circuitry and ripped out a central information board. Data stopped, appalled at this display.
"Here. Take this. Leave me alone."
Marvin started to short circuit. Data took the board automatically.
"But this is yours. You need it."
"Brain the size of a planet, remember? I don't need it. I don't want to live."
Data reached for his tricorder, determined to fix the robot.
"I don't want you're help. I want to be left alone. Just leave me here to rust away and be forgotten. It's more fitting."
"You are not thinking correctly."
"Just take the damn board and get the hell out of here."
Data took a backwards step at the sound of the robot's voice.
Marvin started to loop as the sparks slowed down.
"Get the hell out of here. Get out of here. Out of here. Out of here. Out. Out. Out. Out. Ou-."
Marvin continued to pace in a circle, but was offline.
Data considered his choices. Deciding that Marvin would be displeased if he fixed him and considering he was offline, which was like an android death, his last words were to be respected. Data left with the away team, explaining that Marvin had wished to stay on the planet.
Captain's log 21.7.25
The away team's report seemed somewhat fanciful, but Commander Riker confirmed the report. The planet appears to be inhabited by talking mattresses. The robot we picked up has, according to Lt. Data, requested to stay on the planet. There was no other reason provided. Captain out.